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Anxious

Hey all,

 

I’ve been struggling over this one. I thought I would write about self-care and how important it is (it’s very important!), but I just couldn’t translate it from my scrambled thoughts to the digital page.

So here I sit, in my pajamas, with my newly acquired salt crystal lamp glowing softly on the table in front of me, Mumford & Sons playing on vinyl, while sipping jasmine tea, trying in vain to write about self-care even while doing so many of the things that represent this concept for me. Where is the disconnect?

I need to go digging, I think.

I went to a game night recently with some friends. Not to make too fine a point of it, but these friends are all part of my small faith community, one which I proudly say has been a healthy and impactful part of my life for years now. As the evening began to wind down, the host brought out a game I had never heard of – not a common occurrence. It was called “Vertellis,” a party game meant to pose fairly in-depth questions to people.

What followed was an hour of some of the most vulnerable and intimate conversation I can ever remember being a part of. When it came to me, I struggled, much the same as I have been this evening, to get started. Somewhere in the middle of it, though, a dam burst and my emotions and anxieties just spilled out of me. Anxieties I had no idea I had, and am in many ways still unpacking.

I think the one that I’m tangling with right now is an anxiety over lack of cohesion – this doesn’t really follow the theme of influences which I’ve done for my last two entries. I could probably say something about how I like to write characters that are introspective and self-aware and spiritually healthy but I don’t think I’m anywhere near having that fully fleshed out. It’s definitely a theme, though.

I had another thought to put here but I lost it to the aether. I really should write things down more often, I’m damned forgetful.

I suppose another anxiety was just getting this done, since I missed last week, and this one is a day late (and getting close to being multiple days late). I spent last Monday visiting a friend. It was nice. It was self-care. I wonder if I can get to the point where this is self-care too? Maybe I need a different blog for that.

I think I should probably wrap this up. It’s getting late and I feel as though I’ve just kind of rambled. Maybe, hopefully, all of you can take some comfort in that. Not everything in life is going to be beautifully sculpted and meticulously planned. Sometimes things are raw, messy, and honest. Really honest. That kind of honest that makes you uncomfortable at first, but then you’re so thankful to be a part of. And if you aren’t there yet, I hope you’ll grab your pajamas, and your tea, and your salt lamp, and your vinyl records – or whatever it is that makes you feel at peace – and make space for it to happen. It’s not so bad once you get started.

Love and Peace,

Aiden

 

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